I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”