doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Brother?
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol