@TattleTSister

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@PondHockeyPro

Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.

*starts car

Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.

Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Her:..
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
? O
? ? ? O
?? ?? o
?????o
????? o
?????o
???? ?
??? ?
???.
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.

@DadandBuried

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

@mymumps

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.