I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
🤣🤣🤣
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime