time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Mechanic: Start it up and let me hear it.
Mechanic: Oh that doesn’t sound right.
Me: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE AND NOT AT SUBWAY
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
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My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.