I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
is this store having a stroke wtf
This was my dad’s browser history.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.