[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The dark side of Canada
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.