I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

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Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.


Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something


[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*


me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why



builder: *embarrassed* too spooky


Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.


When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box


People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator