@baronvonbike

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

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@Sassafrantz

Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.

@julcasagrande

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@50FirstTates

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

@imdaintyaf

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator