I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
fourth time’s the charm
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
i’m still crying at this
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sheep
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.