I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Jesus Christ lmao
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry