@OhNoSheTwitnt

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

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@omgthatspunny

What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

@lanyardigan

Now imagine how close together the presidents’ bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.

@ThugRaccoons

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

@Cheeseboy22

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

@Sassafrantz

[stops during sex]

If you spin my fanny pack around, there’s sandwiches in there. Help yourself.

@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@RickAaron

I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.