I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.


Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (stealing plutonium from terrorists to power a time machine of my own invention that, through a convoluted sequence of events, strands me in the wild west circa 1885)


There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ


If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.


It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water


Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”


*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.


Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom


I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.