Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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this has done me in for some reason
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I am, perchance
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
it was a valiant fight