@VikramParalkar
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
@NutttyV
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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@VikramParalkar
@Mikecanrant
melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog
@PhilJamesson
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
@LoveNLunchmeat
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
@iwearaonesie
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
@tequilasaltlife
Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
@KeetPotato
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
@Shade510
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
@shkeeber
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Mom: Carrots?
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
Cat: *yowls*
@Staggfilms
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control