@GrantTanaka Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
@NutttyV I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
- @NutttyV
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@GrantTanaka 
@girlontapas Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
@mindintheshadow My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.
@werehedgehog *yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
@teen_news69 PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
@TheHyyyype [first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
@iAmDelFreaky Mom: Any big plans today?
Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and…
Mom: The mail doesn’t come on Sundays.
Me: Oh, then no. :'(
@aissalanis [first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
@deegeemindi My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
@NJPsychDoc Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.