@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

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@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@BakedBrotatoes

Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.

@747boozybri

Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

@GoldenSpirals

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

@JillianKarger

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

@climaxximus

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

@fro_vo

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.