@TravLeBlanc
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
@NutttyV
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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@TravLeBlanc
@JD_KC
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
@BakedBrotatoes
Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.
@747boozybri
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
@GoldenSpirals
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
@JillianKarger
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
@climaxximus
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
@fro_vo
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
@KellyMeldrum
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
@Staggfilms
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i