It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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melancholy is my favorite feeling that also sounds like a delicious dog
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control