I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.


Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere


Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.


Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.


Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?


me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet



me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you


*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING


Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.