@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

- @NutttyV

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

@girlontapas

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

@mindintheshadow

My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

@werehedgehog

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

@teen_news69

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@iAmDelFreaky

Mom: Any big plans today?

Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and…

Mom: The mail doesn’t come on Sundays.

Me: Oh, then no. :'(

@aissalanis

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@NJPsychDoc

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.