I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.