I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.