I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!