@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

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@_troyjohnson

Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.

@TraciRos

I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.

@jonnysun

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

@JKickinit30

The perks of being single:
* not having to share the remote
* sleeping diagonal in bed
* never having to clear browser history

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

@Chhapiness

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

@mrjohndarby

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where