@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

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@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@rkatz94

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@envydatropic

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

@badbanana

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

@TheDairylandDon

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.