I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
are they though??
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.