I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same