I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.