I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
You Might Also Like
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats