I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!