I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
that de-escalated quickly
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”