*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!
DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!