@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

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@McGrumpenstein

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@thatdutchperson

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

@bridger_w

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

@SteveKoehler22

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

@English_Channel

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.