@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

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@TheOneTrueDisco

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@murrman5

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

@runawaycupcake

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@WilliamRodgers

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left