@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

@TommyKarate

My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.

@faizziy

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

@SondraDeeMe

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

@KeetPotato

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@DirtMcTurd

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

@AnkCoupleTO

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

@Staggfilms

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.