I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.


My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.


Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..


You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.


me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”


The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.



Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual


Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.