@simoncholland

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

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@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@AntozWolf

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

@AaronFullerton

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

@seupo

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

@wereprincex

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

@Sarcasticsapien

My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn’t there is writing about it.