I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Nothing.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.