i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits


If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.


My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.


“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”


Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!


I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with


*Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name*
Cashier: Here’s your fries, and a nickel back
Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea


ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


me: i don’t get why no one falls in love with me

person: wanna go on a date?

me: no