I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
my fav colour is also hitler
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.