@greg_vee

I hate when someone steals my idea before I’ve had it.

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@WilliamAder

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

@Maxine12333

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

@Maxine12333

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

@julietactually

Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@jellybnbonanza

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.