A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people