@Sarcasticsapien

I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.

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@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@joebirbigs

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.