waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
6. me as a lawyer
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me