*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
[notice son’s not home]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.