My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options