*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
You Might Also Like
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”