I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person

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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…


Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?


Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Duck: I mean quack


Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.


Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears


My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent


You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.