I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.