Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.
I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.