@Glynner85

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

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@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@NicestHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@SardonicTart

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

@ArfMeasures

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@VerbsRProudest

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

@TheBeerGuy73

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.