[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
that wasn’t the question
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.