@respected_loner

i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is

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@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

@groovuroy

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@PoodleSnarf

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

@JeffMyspace

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@JPLFR80

Somewhere out there, my soulmate is adorably pushing on a pull door.

@RickAaron

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

@NicCageMatch

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.