Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)