I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
When news reporters do sports stories
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.