I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken