@PhilJamesson

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

You Might Also Like

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@DevonESawa

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

@UncleBob56

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.