I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
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milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.