@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

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@PickleRudd

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

@Elizasoul80

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

@beefman138

[Logging in]

β€’ Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

@GianDoh

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

@HelmdawgE

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@david8hughes

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?