I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The sacred texts.