If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
God: also you have eight eyes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed