@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

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@_ethelbeavers

If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.

@VenisVal

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

@RadioPatrick

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@NewDadNotes

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

@UnFitz

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers

@abhorrent_wife

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed