ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
This made me smile…
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball