Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

The two types of wives

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

All food is good if you spell it wrong

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

What happened to the other hiker??!

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office