I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Van Gone
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?