Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You Might Also Like
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Don’t touch that.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling