it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
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Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
That awkward moment when you blow into a bowl to get the dust off of it and the bowl blows back
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?