Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Need WebMD
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My brain is a bad influence on me
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope