All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Tbh i wanna marry someone as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You’re not impressing anyone, people who put a comma before the person’s name when wishing them a happy birthday on Facebook
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
People who say they “Like to have fun”…
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!