@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

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@Discourt

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

@geowizzacist

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@NYC_Blonde

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

@Social_Mime

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@MartaEffing

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

@thejessbess

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.