I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
i hav cat-like reflexes
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*