i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
#Caturday
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you