I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts