@AnniemuMary

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

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@RCKruseKontrol

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

@OhHiAlyPie

“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away

@JD_Barney

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

@RandomManik

My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

@Elizasoul80

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

@BGH70

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

@mommajessiec

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*