I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
So creative 😂