I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump


“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away


I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”


When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener


Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”


My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.


I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.


God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*