I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
You Might Also Like
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My plans: 2020:
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.