@badAzz_mom

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

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@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@dadsrpeopletoo

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@HansGrubertron

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@andlikelaura

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

@MeanGein

Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

@DionneMcNutt

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.