coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I have 2 moods:
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.