I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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Fluff me with a fork baby
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
how to have an accident 101
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad