I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.