I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*