@Fred_Delicious

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

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@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@TheAlexNevil

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

@DanSpenser

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

@moprob1ems

Password is incorrect.
Password is incorrect.
Create new password.
New password can not be same as previous password.

Me:

@PinkCamoTO

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

@Reverend_Scott

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@saintmikayla

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah