I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel


Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?


We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.


A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.


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New password can not be same as previous password.



5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.


Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.


Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank


someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah