I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
May never get over this
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.